


The Subconscious Desires of Sirius Black

by iagosmash



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, One-Shot, double entendres like woah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-06
Updated: 2010-11-06
Packaged: 2017-12-14 20:51:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/841248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iagosmash/pseuds/iagosmash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius sleep-talks, and the other Marauders think that they've discovered a deeply-buried secret of his.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Subconscious Desires of Sirius Black

The dormitory was dark and silent. The feeble light of the waning moon did more harm than good as it created enigmatic shadows on the walls and ceilings. The night air was still, broken only by the soft breathing of the room's four occupants.

Remus rolled over, caught in the twilight world between sleep and consciousness. There was a slight smile on the sixteen-year-old's face as his drowsy mind mulled over the success of Peter's snoring treatment. For the first time in months, the room was silent, undisturbed by Peter's sinuses, which had been cleared by Sirius and James's experimental spell work.

Remus was about to drift off into sleep when an odd noise shook him back into wakefulness.

"Ooh…mm-hmm."

Remus sat up slightly and drew back the hangings around his bed. The soft murmur has seemed to come from Sirius's bed, directly to Remus's left. As usual, Sirius had left his hangings open, and by the minimal light of the moon, Remus could see that Sirius was fast asleep – his mouth open, his breathing slow and even. Remus assumed that he had imagined the noise and was about to lie back down when he heard it again, with a slight difference.

"Oh yeeeeeaaah…gooood…"

This time there was no doubt. Remus had seen Sirius' lips move and a ghost of a smile flicker across his pale face.

Movement from the other side of Sirius's bed caught Remus's eye and he saw that James had poked his head out from his hangings. His hair was even messier than during the day, and he wasn't wearing his glasses. Remus signaled for him to be quiet, then pointed at Sirius's sleeping form.

The silence stretched on as Remus and James waited to see if their friend had finished his dream conversation.

"Yes, yes, yes," Sirius mumbled suddenly, slightly louder and more coherent than before. "I know that's how you like it!"

There was a creak of bedsprings from Remus's right and he looked around to see that Peter too was now awake and listening. Remus drew his hangings back fully, motioning for Peter to come and sit on the end of his bed in order to better hear Sirius's mutterings. Peter did so, dragging his duvet with him and collapsing loudly and clumsily onto Remus's bed. Sirius stirred slightly at the noise and James motioned frantically for Peter to shut up.

Several minutes passed in silence before Sirius spoke again.

"Is that all you want today?" he said, becoming more articulate with each word. "Oh yes, another customer fully satisfied."

James suddenly broke into a grin. He made his way over to Remus's bed and sat between Peter and Remus in order whisper to them without waking the fourth Marauder.

"He's dreaming of being a _prostitute!_ " he said, barely managing to stay quiet.

Remus looked at him doubtfully, and James nodded in earnest.

"'I know that's how you like it'," he imitated. "'Another customer fully satisfied!' No doubt about it, our Padfoot is dreaming of being a manwhore!"

Remus started to speak, but he was interrupted by Sirius.

"That's twenty Galleons, thank you," he murmured.

"An _expensive_ manwhore!" whispered James gleefully. Remus was still doubtful, but he had to admit, if James was right, it would mean they would have ammunition against Sirius for the rest of his days.

Remus, James and Peter all watched Sirius intently, waiting to see whether his next remark would support James's claim.

"Who's next in line? You? …Alright, get comfy… I'll just clean this up…"

James and Peter giggled. "A messy expensive manwhore!" James said, trying hard to stifle his laughter. Remus rolled his eyes but allowed himself to smile. Maybe James was right – but Sirius's comments were all very generic, and could be applied to many professions aside from hustling.

"What can I do for you today…a blow? Why certainly…"

James, Peter and Remus all had to stop themselves from bursting into laughter at this remark.

"I told you so!" hissed James. Remus nodded in agreement. It certainly seemed as if Sirius was having a dream about being a gay prostitute, eager to get to work.

"Hmm…taking awhile to turn on, aren't we?" said Sirius, with a slight crease between his eyebrows. "Don't worry…I'm the best there is…I'll get it working soon enough!"

The boys' laughter intensified. "Oh, dear, Prostitute Padfoot is having some trouble!" giggled James.

"Yeah, but he's just as arrogant in his dreams-"

"Wet dreams!" interjected James.

"-as he is in real life," finished Remus, amid renewed laughter at James's remark.

"But then, it's more difficult when your equipment isn't new," said Sirius as he wriggled slightly.

James had to stuff his fist into his mouth to stop himself from laughing too loudly.

"Ugh! Padfoot's sucking off an old man!" gasped Peter, with a look of disgust.

"Ah! It's heating up properly now!" Sirius said, oblivious to the attention he was getting. "Now I can really get to work!"

Even Remus had to clamp a hand over his mouth to shut himself up at this remark.

"Sounds like he finally got the old guy up!" laughed James.

"Alright, is that how you wanted it? Or do you want anything else?" Sirius continued. "I can do much more than just blow…"

All three boys were almost in hysterics by now. They were having more and more trouble staying quiet. James had tears of barely-contained laughter running down his face.

"Okay, well, if you're happy, I'm happy…so, just the blow…that's ten Galleons…"

"Another satisfied customer!" said Peter and James in unison. They were laughing so much that they almost missed Sirius's next remark.

"Ah yes…I do love being a hairdresser."

There was a moment of silence as James, Peter and Remus processed this. As soon as they had all pictured a hairdryer instead of an impotent old man, they burst into unrestrained laughter.

"SCISSORS!" yelled Sirius as he was suddenly woken by his friends' raucous laughter. He looked over at Remus, James and Peter all collapsed in a heap on Remus's bed with a confused look on his face. Slowly, their laughter subsided and they all looked at him with wide smiles on their faces.

"What?" asked Sirius.

"Good dream, Mr. Loose Woman?" said James gleefully.

"What are you on about?" Sirius said, tilting his head, still blurry with sleep.

"You were sleep-talking, and we were convinced that you were dreaming of being a gay prostitute," clarified Remus.

"UGH!" exclaimed Sirius with a look of pure disgust. "You have got to be fucking kidding me!"

"We were all assuming that your subconscious was voicing your secret lust for other guys," giggled James. Sirius started to protest this angrily, but James cut him off. "Sadly, you were actually dreaming of doing something else, so I guess we can't justly call you a poof."

"Well, thank fuck for that, because I am NOT GAY," said Sirius, breathing a sigh of relief. "So…what was I talking about?"

"Being a hairdresser," replied Remus.

"The _best_ hairdresser, if you did say so yourself," added James.

There was a momentary silence before Peter spoke.

"Hey guys?"

The other three all looked at him, silently telling him to continue.

"Aren't male hairdressers gay?"

**Author's Note:**

> All views expressed in this fic are those of 15 year old idiots and not me.


End file.
